TEN THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING FOR COVID TO PASS

1.   Bundle up the jigsaws you bought for the first wave and whack them on Gumtree. Invest these funds in a ‘skinny’ carnival mirror, then eat to your heart’s content.2.   Buy a shuttlecock net and run it down the middle of your street. Challenge neighnours opposite to a safely-distanced championship. (Not recommended if living on a highway.)

3.   Place colourful balloons on front fence as you would for a child’s birthday party. Watch nosy neighbour slowly driven mad believing you are planning an illegal party.

4.   Give away chocolate, alcohol and coffee simultaneously. Wallow in chronic headaches and sleepless nights. For extra points, also delete Instagram, Tik Tok and FB from mobile.

5.   Ring best friend and have a conversation. 30-minutes later, ring best friend and have exactly the same conversation. Every time they say, “But we just spoke about this 30-minutes ago” simply reply, “You must be imagining it. I’m really starting to worry about you.”

6.   Visit your nearest travel agency. Press your face hard against glass and drool as you stare at the brochures of exotic destinations. Alternatively, pack car with boogie boards, beach umbrella and bags, then sit in driver’s seat making vroom, vroom noises while pretending to drive away for beach holiday.

7.   Make a list of all the things you promised you’d do at the start of Covid (2020) and still haven’t got around to. Now crumble it up, set fire to it, and laugh like a manic hyena.

8.   During your next online meeting, interrupt the boss just as they’re about to say something important. Then ask if anyone would like to buy some toilet paper as you have a ton of it. When things go quiet, just say “What, what?” over and over again.

9.   As you receive your ‘jab, scream like a two-year old. When you walk past those still waiting for theirs, sob uncontrollably before yelling out, “WHERE’S MY BLOODY LOLLIPOP”?!

10. Liven up your exercise regime. Buy a beret, striped long-sleeved t-shirt, string of garlic, packet of Gitanes, and bicycle with a basket. Ride around your suburb stopping to ask (in poor French accent) anyone you pass which way to the Avenue des Champs-Élysées?

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