ANXIETY MADE EASY

  1. Wake, shower, set brain’s internal tachometer to 9,500 rpm, run out door
  2. Spot train arriving. Do not consider possibility of another one. Run like Usain Bolt and throw yourself through door. Sweat like pig and allow heart to beat like manic bongo
  3. Alternatively, for extra anxiety points, drive to work. Listen to Ray Hadley interviewing Tony Abbott
  4. Arrive at place of employment and greet fellow workers. Immediately start judging your inner self by colleagues’ outers. God, he or she is so much more confident, smarter, relaxed, etc. Never allow yourself to believe that behind the masks, they may be feeling shit too.
  5. Work at warp speed or, like a sloth. Sustainable happy medium is out of the question
  6. Lunch: grab something fattening and wolf it down at your desk like dog eating hot chips. Avoid relaxation, exercise or slowing of mind.
  7. After ‘lunch’, see Point 6.
  8. At 5pm either: knock down slower colleagues as you head for the lift or, hunker down for another two-hours of work and your opportunity to get on first-name terms with cleaners
  9. Arrive home exhausted and feeling powerless. Eat dinner, watch crap, scratch genitals, fall asleep.
  10. Repeat ad infinitum

 

Alternatively, you can always be sensible and read this article on stress management for the Mayo Clinic:

 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/relaxation-technique/art-20045368

 

 

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